Holiday Cheer or Holiday Fear? Understanding the Stress of the Holidays and How to Manage it
The holidays are upon us, cue the endless commercials and cheesy Hallmark movies (no shame if these are your jam). While the media portrays this as the “most wonderful time of year,” what they forget to mention is that this season can also be a very triggering time of year. The holidays can bring up difficult memories and emotions. You may be completely overwhelmed, stressed, sad, angry, downright exhausted! This post is aimed at providing a bit more insight on why you, your loved ones, or strangers on the street may be a little less cheerful and how to make this season a little easier to handle.
First it’s helpful to recognize your overall thoughts regarding the holidays and how you are feeling currently. You may love the holidays and get excited for them every year, which may leave you confused on why you are feeling stressed and anxious. Think about it this way. Imagine you are at work and you get assigned a project that you are passionate about. You get excited, this is the project you’ve been waiting for. The only problem is that you need to also juggle all of your other projects and tasks at the same time. So even though it’s something you’re excited for, maybe doesn’t even feel like work, it’s still an added task on top of your busy schedule. The holidays are the same way. Suddenly you have all of these added tasks and social pressures/expectations to juggle in your already busy life. This may be fun and exciting to you, which is great, just remember that it can also be exhausting! So if you are in this boat, remember to find time to rest, maybe that means leaving a party early, taking a day off for you, or limiting non holiday functions during this time. Whatever it is, finding a balance so that you are not completely drained when the season ends.
Now if that last paragraph did not ring true for you, you may be in the camp of being indifferent to holidays or quite honestly dreading them. You are NOT ALONE. I know the “media cheer” can make it feel that way! There is a lot of pressure put on the holiday season and if your holidays don’t live up to the “expectations” it can lead to feelings of disappointment and sometimes, inadequacy. Remember NO person is “perfect” and NO holiday is “perfect.” Those are made up constructs to sell products. The only “perfect” holiday is the one that suits you! So think about what you want and need this holiday season and focus on that, not what mainstream media says you need.
A big elephant in this conversation that needs to be recognized is that mainstream media does not represent holidays equally. For example, Christmas is splashed on our screens for months but the same cannot be said for Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Ōmisoka. If you celebrate these and not mainstream medias “top picks”, you are surrounded and bombarded with reminders and questions about holidays that you do not celebrate. This can leave you feeling different or ostracized. If you are feeling this way, this is your reminder that this is a shortcoming with media and society, NOT YOU! Celebrate the holidays that are meaningful to you, not society.
Another big difficulty people grapple with during the holidays is trauma and loss. Experiencing trauma and loss over the holidays will impact your experience of the season moving forward. Even if you experienced these things outside of the holidays, this season can serve as a reminder of what you experienced or feel is missing. I lost my mom when I was 15, a few days after New Years. That season I spent the majority of my holidays in a hospital room. Even though I get excited for the holidays (I am a sucker for a cozy sweater, hot beverage and good food - I get this tracks with the therapist stereotype and I fully accept that), I also always have the anniversary of her death and visions of that hospital room looming over me. Over the years it has become less prominent, but the truth is that it’s still there and can lead to a mix of emotions. This is true for a lot of folks who have experienced something traumatic. These traumas or losses shift how we experience the holidays and often times lead to avoidance. I’m a trauma psychologist and I avoided going home for Thanksgiving for many years to avoid the reminder that my mom wouldn’t be there, so I get it. The tricky part, and if you’ve worked with me, you’ve heard me say this before, is that avoidance is insidious. It starts small and feels instantly relieving, but you need to keep increasing your level of avoidance to get that same feeling. It’s a snowball effect (and not the type of snowball you want during winter). So if you find this is true for you, I challenge you to try something small that you have avoided, approach it and see how you feel. Chances are you will surprise yourself!
Now that you understand where some of these emotions and stresses are coming from, how do we deal with them? Below are some tips to making the holidays a bit easier to manage.
Plan ahead. I get this is a no brainer to some (book flights and accommodations if you’re traveling, etc), but what I really mean is plan ahead on what you want/ need this holiday season. Do you want to be with friends and family? Do you need some alone time? Do you need to be home? Do you want to go somewhere? There is no right answer, but take time to really think about what YOU (not your relatives) need/want and plan accordingly.
Set boundaries. Everyone has different wants and expectations for their holidays and they will place them on you. This can run you ragged. Set boundaries around your time and responsibilities. Remember it is okay to say no!
Take Breaks. The holidays are a marathon, not a sprint, take breaks to refresh. Whether this is spending a night in, leaving a party early, or even just taking five minutes outside, take a break!
Incorporate Movement. Many holidays center around food and gatherings, which can be amazing. However, during this time we can forget to move our bodies which can make us feel sluggish and lower our mood. Make sure to take time to move! Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean you need to sign up for a Turkey Trot (this is actually one of my biggest fears…having someone that I care about want me to do this with them lol), but get out for a five minute walk around the block. 30 minutes of exercise releases stress relieving hormones!
Continue Self-Care. Routine tends to get thrown out the window with holiday schedules, however do not throw self-care out with it. Continue your normal coping mechanisms during this time. If you need 30 minutes with your coffee in the morning before interacting with people, do it. If you workout everyday normally, continue that over this time. If you need time to wind down at night by yourself, do it! So often we forget about these things during the holidays or when traveling, but these are so important! They help regulate your mood and keep you grounded. Continuing self care during this time is the least selfish thing you can do, as it allows you to show up for others, in the way that you want to!
Sending all of you warm holiday wishes! If you are needing extra support this season, do not hesitate to reach out!
